Sunday, September 9, 2012

Needed: Well-Trained Vultures!

I'm in the market for a few well-trained vultures. They don't have to be pretty. In fact, the uglier the better. I just need a few ugly ass buzzards who can fly in circles. Can you help? I'm depending on bird loving friends like you, Cheryl.

Is there a back story here? You bet there is, but I need you to help me find those vultures first. 

One would think that a grown man with several advanced degrees in higher education could remember to eat breakfast. Right? Especially if this fictional well-educated man has diabetes and checks his blood sugar first thing in the morning. What if this man finds his blood sugar thirty points too low? One would assume that this alleged smart diabetic male would immediately head to the kitchen in search of a carb or two. One would think that. 

You would be wrong. As was I.

Evidently education is highly overrated, because this one-time scholar (eye player) decided to skip the carbs and head out down the hill to destroy repair objects that don't need repairing. In the sun. In the heat. With low blood sugar.

Now suppose that his unnamed man was six and a half feet from head to toe and had the body weight to still play his much loved position as tackle. Just suppose that. Let's contemplate how well his size 15 feet fit on the tread of the steps ascending from his workshop of doom and destruction back up to the deck. Twelve wooden stairs which are too small to accommodate big foot. I'm tired just thinking about it.

So I'm resorting to buzzards. 

You see, we are simple West Texas people. Well, one of us is a little more simple than the other, but that's another story. Too many hits to the head, I'm assuming.

In the unobstructed West Texas skies, circling buzzards are a clear warning sign of an animal in distress. Lurch understands vultures. He may not understand when he needs carbs or sugar, but he gets buzzards. I'm thinking the buzzards may be the only thing to save his life from the disease or from me. 

Wait. I think we have a slight problem. Lurch has to be able to see the circling vultures and his view will totally be obstructed by all the trees in lovely East Texas. 

Okay, I'm going to need vultures which are trained to walk in circles. I'm sure vulture trainers are jumping at this challenge at this very moment. It is simple really. When the vultures see Lurch has forgotten to eat, they will swoop in and walk in circles around him. Of course, he is so deaf, he will probably not even hear them flapping in with their big, old ugly wings. He probably won't even notice that they are there!

Take note buzzard trainers, in order to get Lurch's attention, the vultures will need to be trained to walk over Lurch's feet. Which he has no feeling in. Never mind. Forget it. Walking on his feet is not going to work. 

My friend and noted hornithologist ornithologist, Michael Whiteman-Jones, will be quick to point out that "Birds will peck your eyes out. That's what they do. They peck your eyes out." Buzzard trainers, we do not need the birds to peck Lurch's eyes out. Hell, he only has one eye he can see out of now! I told you already that he has had one too many hits to his head. 

Just forget it. Forget the whole things. I don't need vultures. I just need for Lurch to eat his friggin' breakfast! I am refusing to ever again drag his big footed, no feeling, half blind, deaf ass body up those steps!  If I have to take those twelve steps again, I may have to get on an actual twelve step program!

Now I know that some of you are concerned that this blog post may hurt Lurch's feelings. Forget about it! The man can't even remember to eat breakfast. How the hell is he going to remember the name of my blog?

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