Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Sister Mary Pissed Off of the Immaculate Ass-Whuppin

If you haven't been reading my series of stories, this post may not make much sense to you. Maybe you want to catch up with my country fried tale? Of course you do. I'm not pressuring you or anything (but you better catch up). You can go back if you want (and you do) and read the first story HERE, the second story HERE, the third story HERE, the fourth story HERE, the fifth story HERE, stories six-ten HERE, the eleventh story HERE and the twelfth story HERE

I want to thank John Fugelsang for inspiring this segment of my chicken-fried series. 

Now, go read all the other participants' stories. We only have two more days! I don't know whether to shit or go blind. I think I'll just have a drink.


Ethyl and Buck were trying to stay out of everybody's way. Buck had lined up the shot glasses on the bar and Ethyl had filled them all with generous shots of Wild Turkey. Buck left the bottle on the bar so that Cooter could help himself. He was probably going to need it. Buck guided Ethyl over to the table near the bar.

"Buck, I wanted to stay at the bar."

"This isn't our business, Ethyl."

"Then let's go check on my house and see if the twister left it standing."

"Naw. I think I ought to stay right here to help referee this crew. Cooter is pretty strong and he's had a pretty rough day."

Barbara Sue's mini van came to a screeching halt in front of The Rack 'n Roll Pool Hall. She didn't even bother to close her car door as she ran through the front door. Her three young towhead boys were hanging out the window yelling at their mother. 

"Where is Bobby Lee?"

Buck stood up and met her at the door. He was taking his job as referee seriously. He didn't need any more damage done to his pool hall.

"He is gonna be okay, Barbara Sue."

"Let me see him."

Barbara Sue stopped short as she saw Bobby Lee squirming underneath the giant neon cross which had landed right on top of the pool table. 

"Bobby Lee!  Are  you alright?"

"Barbara Sue, get me out of here!"

"Buck, Cooter, help me get this cross off of him!"

Cooter motioned for Barbara Sue to join them at the bar. There was a  hushed conversation before Barbara Sue became very animated.

"He said WHAT?"

Then she walked back to her husband who was still underneath the heavy cross and stood staring at him in his ridiculous situation. Barbara Sue started laughing.

"Buck, you sure he's okay under there?"

"I think he is fine."

Bobby Lee started squirming frantically and started shouting.

"Buck, you son-of-a-bitch, get me out of here."

"He sounds fine, Buck. Just leave him where he is."

Barbara Sue walked back to the bar, grabbed a shot of Wild Turkey and sat down with the others  to join in the conversation.

Buck sat back down at the table with Ethyl. He had one eye on his woman and one eye on the group at the bar.

"Buck, I've been thinking..."

"Oh, shit."

"Don't say that, Buck. It's a good thing."

"The only time you think good thoughts, Ethyl, is late at night under the covers."

"I've been thinking that I want to become a nun."

"Oh, yeah? You know you can't have a sex life, right?"

"I'm not sure about that, Buck. Don't you read the papers? Priests seem to be a horny bunch."

"Ethyl,  you are a Baptist. You can't be a nun if you are a Baptist. You have to be Catholic."

"I don't know if you know this, Buck, but the glass ceiling has been broken. Women can be anything we want to be."

"But you have to be Catholic, Ethyl."

"I can convert."

"Why in the world do you want to be a nun?"

"I've been watching the news about the pope retiring and I think that a woman needs to be pope. I'm their woman."

"So what would you do if you were pope, Ethyl?"

"First of all, I would clean house. There would be no more single men running around in robes. Those men need to get some pants and get out in the real world."

"Well, I can't disagree with you on that one."

"Then I would round up all the child molesting priests and cut off their wienies."

"I think that might be against  the law, Ethyl."

"So is raping little boys."

"You have a point."

"Then I would turn the Vatican into a refuge for the poor and homeless."

"Oh, you are going to be real popular, Pope Ethyl."

"A church is supposed to help the poor and downtrodden. The Pope doesn't own the church just like Brother Bob doesn't own the First Baptist Church. You opened my eyes to that, Buck."

"What can I say? You are right, Ethyl."

"And all that gold, jewels and art is going to be sold for money to help people. Just think about it, Buck. The Catholic church is worth billions and billions of dollars. What if that money was spent on people in need?" 

"I hate to break the news to you, Ethyl, but I don't think a Baptist girl from Texas is going to be the next pope."

"Oh, I know that, Buck. I was just messin' with you. I just think those Catholics  need to consider a woman for pope. It sure couldn't  hurt."

At that moment, all hell broke loose at the bar.


Barbara Sue, Cooter and I were having a calm conversation at the bar until Cooter started  blaming me for messing everything up. He did not understand that I was fed up with hearing the stories about me breaking Bobby Lee's heart. He couldn't understand why I would put my reputation and marriage on the line to teach Bobby Lee a lesson. Cooter just couldn't understand any of it.  Or he didn't want to.

Surprisingly enough, Barbara Sue totally understood my rationale. She was fed up with Bobby Lee's sad stories too.  She was not happy when Cooter pointed his finger at me and raised his voice.

"None of this bullshit would have happened if you hadn't agreed to go with Bobby Lee to that damn football field."

Barbara Sue stood up, grabbed my  hand and we stomped out of that pool hall. Barbara Sue unloaded all three of her boys out of the car, took them into the pool hall and sat them in and around Buck's lap. She grabbed Ethyl by the hand and led her out to the mini van to join us. Buck jumped up, scattering boys everywhere, and ran to the door.

"What are we supposed to do with these kids?"

As the mini van peeled out, Barbara Sue stuck her head out of the window.

"Deal with it!"

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