Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Saturday Centus

Bah humbug!
Jenny gave us a Christmas prompt.

I am not in the Christmas spirit this year.
No decorations.
No shopping.
No chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

So I didn't write my story Saturday.

Guess I'll show her.

Then it happened yesterday.

I was in WalMart.

I know, I know.
I don't like to go there either,
but I could go there without showering,
fixing my hair or changing out of
my sweatpants and dirty t-shirt.

it is the only store that sells the
industrial size bucket of peanut butter.

Creamy, in case you were wondering.

So there I was in WalMart,
minding my own business...
just me and Peter Pan.

When what to my wondering ears
should appear?
The sounds of Christmas!

Oh, joy!

It was true...
there was a FIGHT right there on the
dog treat, sanitary napkin, potato chip aisle!

It started out with the raised voices of
one lonely white trash man
and one desperate white trash woman.
But before long...
they had recruited the help of both
of their dysfunctional families
until it turned into a huge redneck brawl!

the holidays had arrived for me!

It was an early Christmas present from WalMart.

I was inspired.

I snatched up my 50 gallon drum of peanut butter
and headed home to write.

Let me take a moment to call attention to one thing.
Jenny won't allow us to use naughty words in our stories.

Hey, Jenny!
I just used the word snatch in my introduction!
Snatch, snatch, snatch!

I used Jenny's writing prompt,
"the bin of tangled up holiday lights"
in my 100 word story.

Did anyone else but me notice that Jenny
used the term "holiday lights"
instead of Christmas lights?

I'm calling Glenn Beck, Jenny!
I'm calling him up at the mental asylum right now!

So have you been to WalMart?
Are you inspired to write? To read?
Join us at Saturday Centus!

Here is my inspirational contribution for the week.
The writing prompt will be in italics.

It would be our last Christmas together.

I knew it.

He didn’t.

It made me sad to think about it.

Christmas will be lonely next year.

Tonight was the final tree trimming.

Christmas tree decorating had become a dysfunctional family tradition. It began happy and festive, but always went downhill with the strands of tangled holiday lights.

Tempers would flare. Fingers would be pointed. Spirits would be imbibed. Less than festive words would be shouted. Ornaments would be broken.

But it wouldn’t happen again.

Next year I will be decorating the tree alone…

and his lifeless body will be in the bin of tangled up holiday lights.


Kat said...

I absolutely loved this! At first I thought you were in really deep trouble with Jenny, because you had only used part of the prompt. Silly me, clever you! And your introduction had me laughing out loud. Will we be seeing their pictures on that "people of Wal-mart" site? This was brilliant! Kat

Sue said...

Well, I think all that goes on at ANY Walmart these days is enough of a prompt not only for a short story, but an entire book!! The Adventures of Walmart Shoppers: Clean Up, Aisle Three!

Take care my friend, Sue

Ames said...

LOL I think I saw a pic of you attached to an email I recieved titled "The people of Walmart!" LOL. Yes, yes I do believe it was you because I remember the large jar of creamy P-nut butter. Were you wearing house slippers too?? LOL

Ooooh you better watch out! Or Jenny will snatch you bald for using such language! :O

This was great! I really laughed out loud with this.~Ames

Cheryl said...

I appreciated Jenny's use of holiday lights. I celebrate ChrisKwanUkah.

What a syrupy sweet take on the prompt. ::snort::

Judie said...

OMG!! You made me wet myself! Those Walmart people! OMG! Walmart has always scared me because of those people! They always look like they could come up behind you and ram a cart into your heels and laugh! And if an item is mismarked, look out! They will SNATCH the item out of the cashier's hand and threaten her with it! And their kids are always barefoot, even in winter!
I loved this post!!!!

Lynnie said...

Ha! Ha! Ha!!! Great use of the prompt. Us snobby military wives call them "Wal-mart wives" and they are exactly what you described. My hubby would put me in the bin of tangled lights if I went out like that.

Venita..Bonnes Amies said...

Oh, I love you.......you can make me laugh at the end of a long hard day of xmas decorating...(one church and one house today) Only three more houses to do...not counting mine!!! Have been stringing garland and lights since Nov.12th. Surprised I did not laugh and cry at the same time...keep up my chuckles...I need them....Venita/ Bonnes Amies

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

First, props for working a dirty word like snatch into your post in defiance of the rules. As a former student who was occassionally a bit of a behavior "challenge," I admire a teacher who can loosen up her collar a bit with a good double entendre. Thanks for jaculating this one into the blogosphere. It made me titter so hard my uvula's sore.

Second, I'm glad your trip to Wal-Mart---and now I know who that raggedy-ass lady carrying the giant tub of peanut butter is---put you in the holiday spirit. I myself enjoy nothing better than a good fight in the aisles of the grocery store. It brings a smile to my face, and warms the heart.

Felice Navidad!

P.S. -- I like the quote from anonymous, but I don't think it's true. Fish often rot from the guts out. Just sayin'.....

Teresa said...

Oh my. That's quite the ending. I must admit that Wal-Mart can be quite entertaining.

Anonymous said...

Tee hee! :)

Anonymous said...

Tee hee! :)

shafeena said...

Gosh !! that kind of scared me !! I mean in a really awed way :D... love it !!

Sue said...

You have made me a little less sorry that I don't have a Walmart near me!

And after reading your Centus, I am now officially scared of you.



Deb said...

Very cute, I'm glad you found your inspiration for Christmas Spirit.

p.s. that is why I decorate for Christmas alone, teehee

Linda Medrano said...

Malissa, you done him in! You done him in! What a dramatic tale! I loved it!

And I love your description of Walmart and the Christmas rednecks. I used to call my grandchildren the "no-necks" but that's not exactly the same thing, now is it?

red.neck chic said...


strangled by Christmas lights...

I'm so staying away from your light bin.

AND! Now I know to get you Peanut Butter for Christmas. LOLOLOLOL


Judie said...

Malissa, if you have not done so already, please Google images, the people of walmart. This contains a frightening array of people photographed while shopping in WalMart. I rest my case!

Viki said...

first, loved the tribute to Walmart LOL.

Great centus. I hope we some day hear more about the man who will be in the bin with the holiday lights. I know at our house there's been a couple of arguments about decorating but I never felt the need to put anyone in a bin, ha, ha.

Nicky said...

You ever see that movie, the one where the phone rings and a creepy voice says "I know what you did last summer"? Is this your way of telling me you know what I did last Christmas?

Seriously, what a wonderful work of, ahem, fiction. Such an imagination.

MikeWJ at Too Many Mornings said...

I don't understand Linda's comment. If you do, please explain. (psst! I think she's hitting the sauce again.)

Bookie said...

Thanks for visiting my Centus and I am glad you told me you posted late so I could not miss it. Your writing was a tantalizing read this morning! Your narrator sounds like one tough gal; I was feeling sorry for her until I got to the end when I realized SHE was in control.

Interesting take on Walmart too...going to Walmart NEVER lifted my spirits on anything! But with your inspiration, I am going to try a new frame of mind while shopping.

gautami tripathy said...

I really enjoyed reading this!


Tgoette said...

OMG! Loved this more than my power tools! A wonderful, wonderful intro, Malisa, that just captured the bah humbug a lot of us are experiencing these days. I loved your Centus too. You did an awesome job with this!

I guess I need to go to Walmart to find my Christmas spirit too. There's bound to be a fight somewhere in there. Although in fairness to the rednecks, the beef-flavored maxi-pad chips are preferred by dogs because they make their own gravy. Who wouldn't fight over them?

Jenny said...



This is just totally completely amazingly wonderfully perfect.

I read it three times!

And had that thought each and every time.

The thought that I would be able to laugh today after the month so far seemed impossible. But you did it.

And I love you for it.

Thank you.

Hugs and thank you !