Let's talk about...
school cafeterias.
Do we have to?
Yes.
Now please sit...
at your assigned table.
Do you remember your school cafeteria?
Shudder.
Look at the cute, little milk bottles.
I don't think we ever had those when I was a kid.
We had those little cardboard and wax cartons
that were so hard to open.
Have you been to a school cafeteria lately?
Let me offer my condolences if you have.
But I digress.
Have you seen the new milk containers?
I don't know what they are called,
but they are like big, bloated pillows of milk
that you stick a straw in...
and the milk spurts all over all the kids at your table!
I call them milk bladders.
You know what they really remind me of?
breast implants.
That's funny...
the milk bags remind me of
fake milk bags.
Must have been a man who thought up
this great idea.
So, anyway...
do you have "fond" memories of your school cafeteria like I do?
I carried my lunch money in a coin thingamajig just like this.
Guess that tells you how old I am.
Coins paid for our lunches.
After you paid your quarter or whatever,
you went through the "delicious" lunch line.
You didn't get to pick what you wanted.
There were no choices like kids have today.
And you had to take one of everything!
If you tried to slip through the line without
getting those yummy green peas,
the lunch ladies would be calling you out
in front of everybody!
On a good day, your lunch might look like this.
Gosh, we celebrated hamburger days
even though they were the worst hamburgers in the world!
But when we went through the lunch line on Fridays...
we got fish.
Do you remember fish on Fridays?
Fish was served on Fridays because Catholics were to
abstain from eating meat on Fridays.
I understood that concept.
What I couldn't understand is why my community
of 70% Baptist and Methodist and 29% Church of Christ
had to eat squares of fish parts for the 1% Catholic kids.
Couldn't they fix 12 fish squares and give the rest of us hot dogs?
There was only one day that was worse than fish days.
Look at this poor kid.
He is looking at his plate with dread like we all did on...
liver and onions day!
Oh, my gosh!
What were those lunch ladies thinking?
I am totally convinced that they were torturing us!
We had this principal who was very serious about his lunch duty.
Every day, he stationed himself at the...
trash cans.
Yep.
He was the food gestapo.
He stood where we emptied our trays into the garbage.
He allowed no one to throw away food!
Your tray had to be empty before you could leave.
If you stuffed your liver in your milk carton, he found it.
If you hid your spinach under your bread, he found it.
He even made you drink all of your milk.
Not only am I lactose intolerant,
I hate the taste of milk.
Didn't matter to him.
What did he do if he found uneaten food or leftover milk?
He sent you back to your assigned table to clean your tray.
And they wonder why there is an obesity problem in this country!
I am upset just thinking about it.
I think it is time for me to have an adult beverage...
and I ain't talking about milk!
Those of you who know me well,
know that I write satirical plays.
I gotta admit that this lunch lady has
really inspired me!
Stay tuned...
it's gonna be a good one!
